Introduction
This braided essay explores the journey of self-discovery and the search for meaning, interweaving personal narrative with philosophical insights from existentialism, particularly Jean-Paul Sartre’s concept that “existence precedes essence.” Drawing from my own experiences of childhood insecurities, academic pressures, relocation to the United States, and eventual emotional breakthrough, the essay examines how external validations and internal numbness can hinder authentic living. By incorporating secondary sources on existential philosophy and psychological perspectives on vulnerability and love, I aim to illustrate the intersections between lived experience and theoretical frameworks. This structure highlights the braided format, transitioning between personal anecdotes, philosophical analysis, and broader implications, ultimately arguing that true meaning emerges not from achievement but from openness to love and human connection. The essay is inspired by class prompts on non-fiction writing, emphasising vulnerability and the integration of research to deepen narrative resonance.
Childhood Perceptions and the Dawn of Self-Awareness
My earliest memories of self-consciousness trace back to elementary school, around fifth or sixth grade, when the simplicity of childhood began to crack under the weight of external perceptions. Life then was a series of mundane tasks—showering felt like the pinnacle of effort, and challenges were scarce, leaving me in a bubble of innocence. However, this illusion shattered during an interaction with a classmate. She remarked bluntly, “I would shave off that mustache if I was you, it looks bad.” Her words did not sting as much as they surprised; they revealed that others perceived my appearance in ways I had not considered. For the first time, I questioned: Does it look bad? This moment planted a seed of awareness—that part of my identity was inextricably tied to how I looked, a notion that lingered in my subconscious.
This experience aligns with existential themes, where self-perception emerges through encounters with the “other.” Jean-Paul Sartre, in his seminal work Being and Nothingness, argues that human consciousness is shaped by the gaze of others, leading to a sense of objectification (Sartre, 1943). In my case, the classmate’s comment objectified my physical self, forcing me to confront an essence I had not yet defined. Yet, as a child, I found solace in small comforts: a favourite shirt and hat that boosted my confidence, making me feel appealing and at ease. These items were not mere possessions; they symbolised an early attempt to craft a personal essence amid external judgments. Research in developmental psychology supports this, suggesting that children’s self-esteem often hinges on tangible markers of identity, which can foster resilience or, conversely, deepen insecurities (Harter, 1999). Indeed, this phase marked the beginning of my realisation that looks mattered, not just to me but in social interactions, setting the stage for deeper existential questioning.
As I matured, physical and mental changes amplified this awareness. I began working out, becoming athletic, and excelling academically, driven by my father’s system of rewards and punishments—operant conditioning in action, with candies like Snickers or Kinder Surprises for good grades, and stern reprimands for failures. This led to six consecutive years of being named the “best student” in school assemblies, inflating my ego and sense of worth. However, Sartre’s philosophy resonates here: “Existence precedes essence” implies that humans are born without predefined purpose and must create their own through choices (Sartre, 1946). My achievements felt imposed, not self-chosen, highlighting the tension between external expectations and authentic self-creation. This period was one of performative success, where recognition from teachers and parents masked an underlying lack of personal agency.
Shifting Priorities and the Weight of Expectations
By seventh grade, an unconscious shift occurred. I grew weary of chasing awards, spending more time introspecting than engaging with others. That year, during the end-of-year ceremony, I sat neatly dressed, anticipating disappointment. As my friend rightfully claimed first place, I cried—not from loss, but from the realisation that rewards no longer motivated me. My father’s anger felt distant; instead, I pondered the forces shaping his behaviour and my own lack of agency. Why couldn’t I influence these dynamics? Sartre’s ideas manifested subconsciously: I was rejecting imposed roles, seeking to build an essence based on self-discovery rather than societal scripts (Sartre, 1946). This marked a departure from operant conditioning, as I began questioning why human nature seemed reduced to competition and conformity.
Friendships in my neighbourhood provided a counterbalance. We bonded over shared ethics—doing the right thing, mutual respect, and self-improvement—through activities like parkour and workouts. These connections offered genuine happiness, challenging my evolving self-concept: What would I become? Could I inspire others as I had been inspired? In El Salvador, entering a college preparatory academy, I befriended someone equally philosophical. We debated how people navigated lives scripted by family, institutions, and power structures—go to church, excel in school, compete endlessly. Was human existence merely competition? We yearned for satisfaction, recognising it as an emotional state requiring allowance to feel deeply.
Psychological literature echoes this, with studies on adolescent identity formation indicating that peer relationships and philosophical inquiry can facilitate a move towards intrinsic motivation (Marcia, 1980). However, in a country like El Salvador, marked by economic hardship and low wages that stifle socioeconomic mobility, pursuing a self-defined life felt daunting. Official reports highlight these challenges, noting that limited opportunities often trap individuals in cycles of labour without advancement (United Nations Development Programme, 2020). My friend and I pondered breaking free, but relocation interrupted this path.
Relocation, Numbness, and the Search for Connection
Moving to the United States without my family was a profound rupture. Arriving as the “new kid,” I struggled with language barriers—ashamed to ask for the restroom in English—and cultural disconnection. Academics remained strong, but my energy waned, joy evaporated, and I craved the love of friends and family left behind. To cope, I became dependable and supportive, offering care without reciprocity, yet internally, a hollowness persisted. Substances and distractions numbed the edges, disguising depression as mere exhaustion.
This phase exemplifies Sartre’s notion of “bad faith,” where one denies freedom by fleeing responsibility for self-creation (Sartre, 1943). I avoided vulnerability, analysing emotions instead of experiencing them, staying busy to evade questions of lovability. Research on depression underscores this: avoidance of emotional processing can exacerbate feelings of isolation, with therapeutic approaches emphasising the need for vulnerability to foster healing (Beck, 1979). A specific moment crystallises this: during my first weeks in a U.S. high school, I sat alone in the cafeteria, pretending to read while overhearing laughter in a language I barely understood. The isolation amplified my numbness, a defence against the raw pain of separation.
Gradually, I bid farewell to these crutches—drugs, addictions, the armoured self. Letting go exposed raw emotions: grief, fear, loneliness. Without defences, life felt unfiltered, and warmth seemed foreign. The breakthrough came unexpectedly in my uncle’s living room, surrounded by cousins, my step-aunt, and their newborn. As my Christian uncle led a prayer circle, their voices enveloped me in earnest tenderness. Though sceptical of divine intervention, the collective love—hands clasped, prayers lifting my struggles—cracked my emotional shell. It was love transcending belief, healing through human connection.
This scene complicates Sartre’s atheism, suggesting that meaning can arise from communal acts, even if not philosophically aligned. Existential psychology supports this, positing that interpersonal bonds provide the ground for authentic existence (Yalom, 1980). In that moment, I realised meaning resided in shared humanity, not solitary conquest.
Embracing Vulnerability and Redefining Meaning
Post-breakthrough, my life transformed subtly. Measuring worth by capacity to feel, rather than achievements, manifests in daily choices: pausing during conversations to truly listen, without dissecting; allowing vulnerability in relationships, like sharing insecurities with a close friend over coffee, fostering deeper bonds. This shift roots growth in connection, not emptiness.
Sartre’s philosophy, while foundational, is limited here—his emphasis on individual freedom overlooks love’s relational power. Critiques of existentialism note this, arguing for intersubjective meaning-making (Beauvoir, 1949). My journey illustrates how existence, preceding essence, involves not just self-creation but openness to others.
Conclusion
In braiding personal narrative with Sartrean existentialism and psychological insights, this essay demonstrates that meaning emerges through love and experiential openness, challenging imposed essences. From childhood self-consciousness to relocation-induced numbness and familial redemption, my story underscores vulnerability’s role in authentic living. Implications for non-fiction writing lie in vulnerability’s power to resonate, urging writers to interweave lived truths with theory. Ultimately, as Sartre suggests, we craft our essence, but love provides the warmth to sustain it. This realisation, grounded in human connection, reaffirms life’s worth beyond achievement.
(Word count: 1,612 including references)
References
- Beauvoir, S. de. (1949) The Second Sex. Jonathan Cape.
- Beck, A. T. (1979) Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Guilford Press.
- Harter, S. (1999) The Construction of the Self: A Developmental Perspective. Guilford Press.
- Marcia, J. E. (1980) ‘Identity in adolescence’, in J. Adelson (ed.) Handbook of Adolescent Psychology. Wiley.
- Sartre, J.-P. (1943) Being and Nothingness: An Essay on Phenomenological Ontology. Philosophical Library.
- Sartre, J.-P. (1946) Existentialism is a Humanism. Methuen.
- United Nations Development Programme. (2020) Human Development Report 2020. UNDP.
- Yalom, I. D. (1980) Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
